No Super Bowl winner has ever had an offseason quite like the New England Patriots and embattled quarterback Tom Brady. Fans, like those in our forums, have spent millions of hours debating the details of the scandal, and the conspiracy theorists have asked the question “what did Tom Brady really do?” more than once. Stan Gable knows, and tells, all.
Experts and fans alike were puzzled by the long drought between Super Bowl titles for Tom Brady and the Patriots. But the source of Brady’s greatness has been hiding in plain sight the entire time.
See, Brady is a practitioner of the ancient Aztec religion, specifically ritual animal sacrifice. He bathes in the blood of his victims, and has been terrorizing the countryside with his “unexplained” animal mutilations for nearly two decades. It is this – not deflated footballs – that is the source of all his success and power. The case proving Brady to be an aficionado of ritual sacrifice is clear and incontrovertible. And it can be established with one simple question: Where is the goat, Tom?
Brady was first suspected of ritualistic slaughter during his college career at Michigan. Despite the presence of a better quarterback in Drew Henson, the Wolverines continued to give snaps to Brady. When contacted for comment on Brady’s history of killing animals to bolster his power, Lloyd Carr defended his former player’s thirst for blood. “Tom’s a bright guy. I think he has the right.”
Moving onto the New England Patriots, the sixth round pick served as the fourth quarterback for the 2000 Patriots before his next ritual sacrifice took place. Rumors abounded that summer about Brady overtaking Drew Bledsoe in practice and authorities in Montana asked for assistance in solving a string of cattle mutilations. Then, in Week 2 of the 2001 season, incumbent $100M franchise QB Bledsoe sustained life threatening injuries and Brady claimed the starting role. Coincidence?
After winning his first Super Bowl, Brady revealed his true self in this photo:
Where is this goat now, you ask? It was killed in the summer of 2003 by Tom Brady, powering him to a second championship. A clone of that goat was then ritualistically slaughtered by Brady in the summer of 2004, prior to the team’s third Super Bowl win.
Brady was reportedly despondent in August 2005 when the next batch of goat clones was lost because of the Bali-Java blackout. With no goat to slaughter the Patriots did not win that year or in any of the others that followed, as wife Gisele Bundchen outlawed animal sacrifice.
The next time we can be sure Brady murdered for a ritualistic power boost is before the 2009 campaign, when he made a “miraculous” recovery from a potential career ending injury. Much speculation has been registered about Brady’s use of the blood of innocents in 2007 and 2011, but these allegations are easily disproved because Brady did not win a Super Bowl in either of those seasons and ritual sacrifice isn’t some halfway thing – when the QB bathes in the blood of the innocent, he wins championships.
Which brings us to “deflategate”, aka the NFL’s cover story for the real reason Brady is being suspended – he killed again. The difference this time is that Brady used his cellphone to record the ceremony. That’s the reason the NFL suspended Brady and that’s the reason the Patriots won another Super Bowl this past February – Tom Brady ritually sacrificed a virgin kid (that’s what a baby goat is called, haters) before the AFC Championship Game.
The NFL, the second worst organization in sports, had a problem. One of their best players was murdering innocents and bathing in their blood to win football games. Not only was there proof on the cellphone – they are SURE of it – the real proof came when Brady’s Patriots won a fourth Super Bowl. Thus, the NFL concocted this air pressure rigamarole to distract the fans from the real scandal here: Tom Brady murders animals to win Super Bowls.
Coming off a year where NFL players like Greg Hardy and Ray Rice became household names for their cruel and violent treatment of women, Roger Goodell could not allow Tom Brady to become the latest poster child for evil behavior among the NFL’s players. Goodell did the only thing he could – he invented this air pressure thing and used it as cover to finally discipline Brady for his multiple transgressions against man and God.
Brady continues to fight the NFL sanctions in federal court. Whether his case will be based on the NFL’s laughable and capricious record on player discipline, the shoddy investigative work in the sham that was the deflategate inquiry, or on the grounds of religious freedom remains to be seen. But one thing’s for certain: Tom Brady bathes in the blood of ritual sacrifices.
NFL teams are on notice: cattle and goat mutilations have reached record-setting numbers this summer.
Follow Stan on Twitter @DeanStanGable.